I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
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It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
My liver just had a heart attack.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
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Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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