Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Randomize
