Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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