if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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