I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
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This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
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The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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