I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
