Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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