The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
