why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
