Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
