He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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