I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
