Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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