woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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