I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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