im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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