when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
