Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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