Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
