You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
You made out with two different species that night
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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