My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
