I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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