I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
