This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
