Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
