yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?