I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.