dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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