do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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