I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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