My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Randomize
