Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
