lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
