Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Randomize
