walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
