i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
