does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
