i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
