Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
