I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Randomize
