You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
