i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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