How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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