On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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