I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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