O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
