Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
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