I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
