I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
