Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
