Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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