Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
