I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
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