I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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