just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
