I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
