Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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