Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
