The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
