I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Pants are for mortals
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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