Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
